Love and Determination
by Wannon
Summary: Wannon: *YAOI {Cloud/Zack}* Cloud's lost love gets one last chance to say goodbye. Possible OOC-nesss, probable sappiness and an actual plot...plus some angst and suicidal thoughts ^.^


Well, I'm insanely bored this summer holidays, and I have nothing better to do than provide you folks out there with things to read…so here's what I _hope will turn out to be a Cloud x Zack fic, but knowing my luck, it'll probably change just to mock me.Nuts! Oh, well…hope y'all like it :)_

~ Wannon-chan ~

This fic contains shounen-ai (boy love) so if homosexuality…or reading about two guys in love ain't your thing go read one of the wonderful straight fics buzzing around FFN…^.^ And for the people who keep telling me the fics are shounen-ai not yaoi…sorry for any confusion…but yaoi has only four characters and shounen-ai has ten!…besides if you know the difference than you probably don't mind reading either and the notes are mainly warnings...but sorry! (and I'll probably keep writing yaoi in the summary…^.^)

~Smeegee-chan~

The look on his face…I don't think I can ever forget it.

_The second he was about to die…I saw him…_

_Looking at me…with those eyes…bright and sparkling with tears._

_Tears of confusion, panic, grief and pain._

_I'll never forget…_

_How he used to look at me with such open friendliness, smiling brightly._

_Or how he used to laugh loudly at a joke we would share together._

_We were the closest of friends, we really were._

_Sure, we were lovers, but we were much more than just that…_

_God, I miss him…_

_His incredibly loving personality, that's what I first noticed about him._

_I was always getting picked on, and he stood up for me, teaching me the value of true friendship._

_He was always much more concerned with the well-being of others, never once would he consider his own safety._

_That's what got him killed…_

_If only he had run away…left me.He would still be here._

_But his sense of honor overcame him, and he stayed and tried to fight._

_Stupid fool! Why did you do it?!_

_Now I'm all alone…and I hate it._

_I wish he was here right now, holding me close, whispering sweet nothings._

_But all I have now is the wind._

_The wind, and the emptiness._

_The dark, deep emptiness plagues me._

_As I sit here, in the exact spot where you took your last breath, I often wonder where you are…_

_Are you watching over me?_

_Are you restlessly trying to find your way back to me?_

_Are you happy?_

_That's all I wish to be…happy._

_I was happy once, when I was with you._

_You gave me a warm feeling of love and comfort._

_I was cherished, treasured…_

_No one had ever told me I was precious before, besides my mother._

_And you were my first for everything…I gave you all of me._

_Only to have the thing that meant the most to me cut from my life._

_You._

_Even now, after the threat of Meteor hitting has gone, after the death of our idol…I still miss you and think of you often._

_How is Aeris?_

_I'm sure you two have caught up with each other…_

_Tell her I miss her…and I'll see her soon._

_She was a wonderful friend._

_Why does everybody I love die?_

_Is it just me? Or does the Planet hate me?_

_This is hopeless…I know you can't hear my thoughts, my prayers._

_But still…I can but try._

_I can see you if I close my eyes…_

_Your beautiful chocolate eyes, glowing from the Mako influence…_

_Your dark brown, shaggy long hair…the very same hair I used to run my fingers through, and soak with my tears._

_Your beautifully sculpted body, warm to the touch…rippling muscles…I'm getting a little bit carried away…_

_I love you…_

_I miss you…_

_See you soon in the Lifestream…Zack._

"Cloud!"

The shrill female voice rang through the night, carried by the breeze to the ears of the blonde youngster.He turned to look at the unwelcome intrusion.

"Go away, Tifa…nothing you say will make me change my mind" he stated icily.The brunette began to sob, sinking to her knees in defeat.

"Why? Why are you doing this to us all? We all love you, is that not good enough for you?" she cried, agony etched on her delicate features.She wasn't in any physical pain, but her heart was in turmoil.Her childhood friend, who had protected her and cared for her, was acting highly irrational in her mind's eye.She wanted desperately to convince him that this was wrong…but she knew that even she could not mend his heart, although she was ever so willing to try.The lithe blonde man sighed.

"I'm sorry Tifa…but I've tried…I've tried so hard to make things seem great, but it was all pretend.I'm so incredibly unhappy here…I can't pretend anymore" he said, his eyes sad and empty.Tifa sniffled.Never has she seen Cloud so upset before, so completely…empty.She heard footfalls near her, and looked up to see the familiar form of Vincent.He nodded at her, and she scraped together a smile for him.The man in a red cape calmly walked towards the blonde, who was watching with undeniable interest.

"…Not this time, Cloud.It's not time for you to leave yet" he said.Cloud's eyes widened, and his beautiful yet sad irises shone in the moonlight.

"How did you know?" he whispered to the dark-haired man. Vincent lowered his head.

"…I…know too, the pain you feel.Yet I have been cursed with eternal life.I once thought that taking my life would be the answer to all my problems, but thinking about it, I realised that it was the cowards way to die…" he said.Cloud frowned.

"Are you implying that I am a coward?!" he exclaimed.Vincent shook his head.

"No.I know you are nothing like that.You could never stoop so low, Cloud…" he said with a faint smile."There are too many people who love you…you'd never leave them for your own selfish wants and needs, I know that for sure"

Cloud looked pale.

_That's what I was going to do…I…I was going to kill myself, and leave behind all those people who love and cherish me…Tifa, Nanaki, Yuffie, Barret, Vincent, and Cid…Cait Sith doesn't count…I can't believe myself! Cloud thought in despair._

He turned to Vincent.

"I…I'm sorry.I'm so sorry, both of you" he said.He walked away from Zack's little memorial that they had erected after everything was over.He hugged Vincent quickly, and embraced Tifa.

"I didn't mean to upset you" he said.He looked back at Vincent.

"Vincent, I…thankyou" he said.Vincent nodded somberly.

"Anything for a friend…" he replied.Cloud bit back tears of guilt, as he fled to his Chocobo, and raced back to Kalm, where he was currently residing.

~ * ~

# Aeris…he was really going to do it…

_ _

_~ Yes, I know. ~_

Why can't you send me back? Can't you see he's suffering greatly without me?

_ _

_~ I'm sorry, Zack.I don't think I can.You do realise that everyone's fate in life has been decided from birth? This is Cloud's fate…but do not worry, I have a job for you ~_

What kind of job?

_ _

_~ A simple one…trust me, you will like it ~_

_ _

I doubt that.

_~ My, Zack.Such a grumpy young man… ~_

_ _

I have a right to be.

_~ Will you just listen to the task I have for you? ~_

_ _

Fine.Not like I have anything better to do with my time.

~ Good.I need you to visit Cloud…he's not reacting well to all of this, and he needs comforting…I would go, but you're the better choice, obviously ~

_ _

## You mean I get to see Cloud again? This IS good…

~ I told you that you would like it…you'll be brought back to life for one night only…after that, your soul will return to the Lifestream ~

_ _

## I'll be a solid, real human being? Oh YEAH!

_~ Try to calm yourself, Zack…after all, it's for one night only ~_

_ _

That's good enough for me…thankyou, Aeris.

~ You're welcome Zack…the Lifestream dislikes it's inhabitants being as restless as you are…think of it as a gift from the Cetra, and all other beings in the 

_Lifestream ~_

_ _

## I'm so grateful…

_~ Go… ~ Aeris commanded, and there was a blinding flash of light._

~ * ~

When Zack's eyes refocused, he saw that he was now standing in the middle of a dark room._I must be in Cloud's room…he had a thing for complete darkness… Zack thought.He heard a quiet sobbing, and knew that Cloud was crying himself to sleep, and not for the first time.He crept quietly to the door of the master bedroom, and opened it a little, leaping back in surprise when it made a large creaking noise.He heard footsteps approaching the door, and held his breath.Cloud opened the door, and squinted out into the darkness._

"I…is anyone there?" he whispered.Zack couldn't speak, he was too awed at the fact that Cloud was within glomping distance.He heard Cloud's feet shuffle slightly.

"Who are you fooling, Strife? Nobody's here…you're imagining things, as always" he chastised himself.Zack drew in a sharp breath at the sound of his lover putting himself down.Cloud heard the sudden intake of breath and immediately spun around, grabbing the intruder by the throat, and dragging him into the bedroom, switching on the light.Zack grinned goofily at him, laughing hoarsely as his throat was being constricted.Cloud's beautiful blue orbs widened, now looking like the ocean as they welled with tears, creating a glossy effect.

"Z-Zack?" he asked quietly, releasing him.Zack rubbed his throat gingerly.

"Hi…you're a lot stronger than you once were…" he said, feeling a little awkward.Cloud looked up at him, little pools of salty water collecting at the bottom of those gorgeous eyes.

"Are you really alive? I'm dreaming, aren't I?" he asked.Zack smiled sadly.He didn't really know what to say.

"Uh…well…yeah, I'm alive.For tonight only.You're not dreaming, though.This is completely real…Aeris sent me back to console you and let us have just one last time together" he managed to get out.Cloud closed his eyes, making the pools of tears begin to cascade down his face.Zack wiped them away gently, before embracing the shorter man tightly.

"Cloud, I've missed you so much…I've felt completely helpless this whole time, seeing how depressed you were, seeing you contemplate suicide…it tore me apart because I wasn't there for you" he said, beginning to cry too.Cloud wrapped his arms tightly around the other man, and they stayed that way for a long time, completely silent.Cloud spoke up first.

"Zack, I'm so sorry…I didn't know that it would upset you so much, I just wanted to be with you…" he said, running his fingers through the dark hair tumbling down Zack's back.

"I wanted to be with you too, Cloud, but suicide? That's not the way to do it…I thought I taught you about friendship, and love…you know how upset Tifa would be if you left? She loves you so much, Cloud…you just can't see it because you're blinded by your love and sorrow for me" he said.Cloud sniffled.

"But…I'm gay, and she knows it…" he stuttered.Zack cooed softly.

"You can't choose who you fall in love with, Cloud…it's not her fault her heart picked you" he said wisely.Cloud sighed.

"I won't be trying it again, I promise…Vincent literally saved my life out there…I still can't believe I was going to go through with it" he confessed.Zack kissed his cheek softly.

"You always were headstrong, stubborn…and very determined" he said."Not to mention, a wonderful lover, and best friend…the Lifestream is so boring without you, but Aeris keeps me company"

"How is she?" Cloud asked suddenly."She doesn't hate me?"

"Gods, no…she's very happy…she was able to see her real mother again, Ifalna…she couldn't be happier.She misses you a whole heap though, but we take turns watching over you" Zack laughed.Cloud smiled at him, before burying his face in Zack's broad chest.

"Zack?" Cloud asked, the sound muffled.

"Mm?" Zack replied, the vibrations passing through Zack's chest and into Cloud's head.

"Can you just…stay and hold me like this all night?" he asked.Zack lifted Cloud's head up to look into his eyes.

"Is that what you want?" he asked. Cloud nodded.

"Yes…I just want to lie in your arms…" he said, a dreamy look passing across his features.Zack smiled wistfully.

"Sounds good to me…" Zack said.They climbed into bed, and wrapped each other up in a tangle of arms before falling still, and silent.Zack broke the silence a few minutes later.

"It feels so good to have you in my arms again…" he murmured.Cloud sighed and nuzzled closer to him.

"Sure does…" he mumbled.They fell asleep like that, soft smiles on their angelic faces.

~ * ~

Cloud awoke suddenly, looking around him to see if Zack's words had been true; that he was only there for one night.He saw the bed was empty besides him, and his bottom lip trembled._I've lost him all over again…he thought dejectedly.He curled up in the bed, clutching the pillow to him, and breathing Zack's scent in deeply.__I sure do miss you, Zack…but I feel better that I could see you again.He thought.His eyes closed, and he drifted back to sleep.His dreams were unusually happy, filled with Zack, and the things they had done in the past.Cloud was smiling in his sleep.He finally felt at peace with himself, and knew that Zack was no longer as restless._

_Thankyou Aeris…I'll never forget what you have done for me…_ Cloud thought.

The End

Ayah…I HAD tacked on a REALLY sappy ending…but Smee-chan stopped me and made me change it…it's still sappy, though.Oh well, coulda been worse ^.^

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